Thursday, June 26, 2008


I welcomed today early - in the very late hours of the night or the wee hours of the morning - I guess it depends on your perspective. At any rate, today has arrived. Albeit with no pomp and circumstance, no fanfare, just the ticking of the clock reminding me that time stands still for no one. I've been dreading this day for some time now. I dread each June 26th actually. It marks one more year since the moment that my husband, Kyle, left us for Heaven. One more year since the moment he was in our presence, not His. One more year since we could all hear his voice and look in his eyes.

I have to confess that often, more often than not, I am not a very good "pray-er" - don't get me wrong, I pray. I just don't do it the way that I think it should probably be done. In the back of my mind there is a running conversation between me and my Heavenly Father. A constant bantering back and forth if you will. Sometimes it is more forth - me telling Him, but there are moments that my spirit quiets within me and I listen to Him tell me. So in the very early hours of the morning as I buried myself under the covers of my bed, the conversation went something like this: "Hey Lord, it's me and it's today. You know, June 26th. Four years since You took Kyle home to be with You. I'm not very happy about this you know." And I heard: "Celebrate." Me again - "Ummm... not to be disrespectful God, but really - celebrate - I don't understand. How can I celebrate? This is a somber day, a day marking loss, not a little loss, mind you. But a huge gaping loss, for Megan and Wyatt, for Kyle's family and friends, and for me. I'm going to sleep for a few hours and when I wake up, I'm sure you'll have a different word for me. G'night, Lord."

Fast forward to 6:00am - the alarm is beeping in my ear and I really want to ignore it, because to get up, to get out of bed, means that today is more than coming over the horizon, it is truly here. The stars have slipped back into their celestial spots, the moon has faded and the sun is flooding the sky with bright light and again, I'm reminded of the date. June 26th. 2008. Four years. No easy thing. And again, I heard, "Celebrate." With a little more indignence in my voice, perhaps even almost audibly, I question - "Celebrate what? My children are fatherless. His parents, his siblings, his friends are all missing him. This hurts Lord~ this cuts deeply and while we're all learning to live with it, it is still a stab in the gut and a pain that, at moments, is unbearable. So enough with the celebrate." Then, almost audibly, I can hear His sigh of frustration wondering if I'm done throwing my little fit, wondering if I'm ever going to get how to climb into His lap and let Him comfort me. Wondering if I'm going to be still long enough to hear.

To hear that Kyle is home. Kyle is walking on the streets of gold. Kyle is face to face with the one who created him, who knew the number of hairs on his head and the number of tears that fell from his green eyes. Kyle is hanging out in the very throne room of our Lord - probably with the baby we lost in one arm and his granddaddy next to him with his grandmommy close by. To hear that he is whole. To hear that his chains are gone - he is free from all that he endured while walking in the seen, the here and now. He is in what is unseen to us - he is in eternity, never to hurt again. Never to experience disappointment again. Never to face tough stuff again. Never to set foot on this broken earth again. He is in perfection. He is with the Heavenly hosts and Jesus is in his sight. Celebrate.

I needed to hear the word celebrate. It is so easy to fall into the trap of downcast vision. To focus on what is gone, what is lost, what hurts. Don't misunderstand me - I'm not saying that I don't hurt today and that tears haven't slipped down my cheeks, because I hurt and tears have definitely formed paths down my cheeks and dripped off my chin to the keyboard below.

But I am celebrating. I am celebrating Kyle's life - all that he was and all that he inspired and influenced in me and our children. I have spent hours over the past several days going through pictures. I haven't gone through the pictures that are "before Kyle died" in a very long time - at least a year or two. It was painful to look at them. It was painful to be reminded. Today, those pictures have been like a warm blanket on a drizzly day - they have wrapped around my wounded soul and been a healing balm. They have helped me to celebrate. Oh, I still miss him. I miss all that could have been. I miss the dream of what I thought life would be like. I hurt for what Megan and Wyatt are missing, for what Kyle's parents and brother and sisters are missing. But I am celebrating. I am moving my vision up- up to the Heavens - to where he is - to where He is - to where they are together. Creator and created one worshipping, celebrating.


Sandy said...

Praying for you, Megan and Wyatt.
I love you.

Angie said...


What a beautiful way to honor your husband, connect with others, and encourage those who read. I pray that God will bless this blog and use it to continue the healing process in your heart.

much love,